but today

i am in such an odd mood.
i'm sleepy but the second i even think of the word, a jolt of electricity runs through my skin down to the atoms making up bone-matter, and i can feel it there too.
i'm thinking things through and reworking them in my brain. i conjure up so many images from nothing. my mind is making up memories to events that never fucking happened, and i'm believing it. i'm believing them all and fighting for their existance, though i'm unsure of that myself.
i can see myself in a few years time, in this same position. only add more old, worn and torn clothes and some weed. i tend to see weed in my future. and homelessness. hoorah for me!
not that i have anything against either. i'm sort of looking forward to such a cinematic future, the way its playing out in my head. all the time, my mind is adding items and replacing them, feeding me emotions and making everything cinematic. i was told by mattt that its technically called associative memory. add that in with random spurts of a monologue in third person running through my head, a dash of depression, sprinkles of confusion and joy and anger and you have my mind. well the emotions running through my mind, i picture my mind itself as a small child.
any problems i have are in the form of vines, strangling the child slowly but surely as the problems get worse, and the size of the vine depends on the size of the problem. the poor kid is dying and trapped
i think i fail to protect myself from feeling the bitter sadness at bringing another disappointment, if nobody has standards for you then its fine if you lose. and whatever god out there help you if i find out i've disappointed you. i'll spend forever thinking of ways to make it better again.
i feel an electricity through my toes now. its strong and jerking.
i bought a painting only yesterday, and i have come to the conclusion there is a sad sad spirit stuck inside of it. i feel really bad for it. i'm sorry sad spirit that i can't help you any more! but i don't know how to contact you! and you can stop blowing on my toes, i know you're there. as is the oher.
anyway i was thinking that i should get some sleep for once. mainly for my own benefit, mainly so i dont sleep in by accident tomorrow and i can get my art homework done. i have to be at school in seven and a half hours, or at least, be ready to leave. 7 and a half hours seems like such a short time, though its length of the day itself isn't it? close enough.
i'm on what.. omegle? and i'm talking to a girl by the name of Niome. shes lovely, though shes not letting me go and i have things to do, people to see. but i suppose i'll humor her interests for 5 minutes longer at the least, no harm in doing so i can fathom. i'm suddenly really nervous and shaky, like that feeling you get when you realize you deeply like someone. never fear, its not Niome. i'm too busy with someone else on my mind to fully commit myself to the conversation, and i feel terrible about it. ah, what can you do?

at this one moment in time, i feel like the earth is holding its breath.

bet you ten cents you could hear a pin drop a mile away.